If all were to go swimmingly…

Sometimes writers are afraid to write what they really want to write.  They hide their opinions, wild dreams and fears behind characters and fan fiction.  Why yes, Mrs. Grey, that is what they do.

Today, I will take advantage of a prime opportunity and write the live blog that you have all obviously wanted to write and read:

Colonoscopy from prep to…

analysis.

Colonoscopy from pizza delivery to…

the underground world of the teenage mutant ninja turtles.

At least we can all agree that preventative procedures save lives.

After tonight, you’ll all be ready to put your best colon forward, or maybe, downward.  I think we know which way is in and which way is out.  (If not, you should probably start your cleansing a week earlier.)

Fortunately, this is not my colonoscopy.  I am the hand that writes longhand the emojis that the scoped one sends.

Let’s start with some background information for interested parties.  Preparing for a colonoscopy can be a complex process.  You will need to start your adapted diet 3-5 before your procedure, starting by eliminating seeds, nuts, kernels, and any other small items that are likely to projectile shoot out at your practitioner.

Be sure to watch the videos that will be provided by your health care provider.  They will continue to send these until you do.  If you don’t prepare properly, they will send you home.  Seriously.  Bowel preparation instructions should include detailed lists of items that will make you wonder more deeply about the state of the American diet.

The colonoscopy process and progress will be a gradual addition to this post.  Pertinent updates, feeling, and status will be conveyed from the receiver of the colonscope– to me–via emojis, stickers and the sporadic gif, with the possibility of toi-toi selfie if we’re unlucky.  Cats will be present throughout the entire procedure.  Only their smelling whiskers will be harmed.

Preparation

Three days before the big day, you should eat low-fiber food.  You should also cease drinking alcohol and stop it with the colorful frosting already.  You’re 40 years old.  You don’t need pink sprinkles on your banana cupcake.

Other prohibited items include fruit (berries) with skin, pasta, pineapple, onions, lentils, beans, and both split and black-eyed peas.

On the A-ok list?  Veal.

Also fruit juice with no pulp, ripe, peeled stone fruit, creamy peanut butter, cooked vegetables, and the kind of potatoes that your Midwestern Grandmother makes, peeled and mashed with butter and cream (both allowed).

I don’t really understand why cheese is allowed at this point.  Why, for example, can you not eat a piece of spaghetti, but a grilled cheese packed with aged gouda is somehow ok?  Is it really going to be processed more slowly than a pasta nest?  I have my doubts about this.

The day before the big day, you’re done with solid food.  And who cares!?  Soon most everything in your world will be loosening up.  You can drink clear liquids and eat hard candies and popsicles as long as they don’t contain any brightly colored dyes (red and purple, in particular, should be avoided.)

The consumption of the NuLytely begins the evening before and the portions and times are strictly defined.  You should fudge this schedule equal to or less than the amount of fudging you did to your diet for the previous three days.  I know there is a bag of colorful gummies in your desk!  How many did you eat?  

 

You might want to further prepare yourself by continuing on with your usual Sunday evening meal prep.  #mealprepper

Fill cups with the correct amount of liquid.

There are 8 cups of important liquid.  You will need to drink half a cup every 10 minutes.  Add flavoring if you like, but remember, no food coloring or chunks.

You will then repeat during the night.  I wonder if I’ll still be up blogging then….

 

To be continued…

 

 

Update #1

7:25  Drunk by 7:37 – vanilla orange flavoring – quite drinkable

7:47 #2 – pineapple coconut additive unsuccessful.

7:49 – stomach gurgling ensues.

Gurgling increases.

Halfway!

Whoa.  This is really a lot of gurgling– baño emergency style

Heater on in the post-prep room.  Lid up.  Window open.

 

 

Update #2

Radio silence.

 

 

Update #3

It just occurred to me (yes, just now) that I’m about to get a lot of information that I might not want to hear.  Well, not hear– receive.

I should probably go get a beer.

 

 

Update #4

Jiggles in the stomach, small intestine, and large.

 

 

Update #5

We all know what’s happening on-site, so let’s take a moment to look at the hard facts.  We’re halfway through the prescribed NuLytely intake.  It is 2 hours and 10 minutes since the first sip.  That’s not a bad turnaround!  BUT!  That’s too fast if you are unprepared.

Before you thrown the first one back, make sure to:

1. Put on warm socks
2. Arrange for proper ventilation
3. Fill your water bottle and lean it on tp dispenser (you won’t need that until the end, anyway)
4. Stockpile a decent amount of reading and bingewatching material, or lure in an entertaining creature like a turtle or cat
5. Suggestions?

130 minutes*–take this into consideration when planning your own evening of sipping colon cleansing cocktail.

*Results vary.  #gentle

 

 

Update #6 “The Giggle Sprint”

At this point in the evening, I, the colon reporter on duty, can no longer receive firsthand information.  I am getting hashtags and quotes from my secondary source**, some of which can be shared online without censor.  I can at least tell you that this experience will not be that bad.  You may find yourself exclaiming enthusiastically at the speed at which your system progresses.  You may have to #gigglesprint or just stay put af, but I can confirm that at the minimum, you can continue to check on your incoming Amazon packages at will. #deliverytomorrow #can’tchatnow #poohbearsaysgoodnight

**DB in the LR not the BA

 

Good luck!

#prevention